August 7, 2019 — 679 words
Ok you're a nihilist. GREAT. This is going to work out really well for you but just in case you're not a nihilist we recommend disregarding all that meaningless religious bullshit. Once you really look into it the veil will be lifted and you'll see the nonsense for what it is. Just a bunch of dumb stories based on bullshit that's used to control the masses through archaic and outdated beliefs that have no moral groundinga ijjaeoj2ojg ap92jg 98a9g8u298gu
Ok now that you're a NIHILIST what do you do with your life? Here's a few tips and you'll be on your way!
1. Play with some string
2. Think about sad thoughts
3. Type 22+22 into a calculator and watch the results
4. Walk outside then go back inside and shut the door triumpantly
5. Look at your hand
6. Plant a tree and mock its future meaninglessness
7. Avoid people
8. Flip your mattress
9. Roll on the ground for 32 seconds then laugh hysterically into the ground
10. Eat paper
11. Conceive of something artistic and don't do anything with it
12. Change your email password to 123
13. Regard your friends as nonsensical meat blobs shitting and pissing in the giant cog of hollowness
14. Stare at the sun
15. Paint your hair black
16. Fall purposefully into a bed of sharp roses to feel the seething pain light your senses into an unbearable torment
17. Throw water on your neighbor
18. Tell yourself you're a boring entity and lie motionless for three hours
19. Put chalk in the toilet
20. Light a match and scream at it
21. Turn on your favorite song and hate yourself for liking it
22. Forget someone's birthday
23. Put a hat on
24. Try burning a brick with gasoline
25. Move a chair to another room and then move it back, slower this time
26. Read a street sign outloud and tell anyone around it could be any other name
27. Rub your elbow on a dog
28. Leave the shower on for 14 minutes and pour all the soap down the drain
29. Buy more soap and toss it in the trash
30. Pick a scab and watch the blood run down your leg and stain your socks
31. Put dry clean clothes in the dryer and never use the dryer again
32. Throw a lighbulb at a passing car
33. Stay up all night repositioning paperclips in the fridge
34. Crush ice with a hammer
35. Count to four
36. Type the word "pointless" 722 times and email it to yourself
37. Deny the existence of blue
38. Draw a small circle and erase it
39. Put a shoe on the roof and stroll through the neighborhood with one shoe on
40. Tell someone at a local restaurant that you've eaten here before and it's ok
41. Take a multivitamin and count the vitamins on the label
42. Go to the local river and whisper to the river about rivers
43. Notice that you're still here
44. Get a tattoo of a blue train
45. Make up a new language with oatmeal and think about oatmeal and other potential oatmeals
46. Walk in a triangle shape and wonder why it has to be a triangle
47. Ask yourself why it matters
48. Resist blinking three times in a row
49. Rub a deflated balloon up and down the lawn
50. Let the incessant voice in your head howl unhindered and unquestioned, tightening the grip on your eternally growing despair as your neural pathways solidify your world view as pure, substantiated fact
51. Poke holes in spinach leaves with a hole puncher and shout at the hole puncher for its irreparable defilement
52. Turn your steering wheel three quarters left and one quarter right and two quarters right and one point three quarters right
53. Dig a hole
54. Yep
Ok that'll keep you going for the next few days. Stay tuned for more instructions and you will be able to keep existing despite all of it.
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